Absence of colour

I'm pissing in a lift. I was playing with Jay when I felt an uncontrollable need to piss. The top of the tower block was out of sight, soI held it in, but it was hard. Looking up made me want to go even more.

*ping*

I'm not going to be able to hold it in. I'm seeing red. No choice, it's nature. Now I'm pissing the carpet black.


'The most popular colour is black Jay. Some say it's an absence of colour, rather than a colour. Everyone always has black umbrellas, have you noticed that? They've gotta be black out of respect. They're mourning the absence of the sun. I pissed off the balcony and murdered the sun. I made the world black'

Every day after school I have to go in the lift with the black carpet. I think the carpet used to be red, but I don't let that bother me. Just like I don't let school bother me. I wish they'd stop though, making me ask and answer all those questions, over and over again. Mama doesn't want me to anyway. It's been over a year now, but I still have to answer those questions. They still make me, and Mama just cries.
They make you repeat it so many times, those women dressed in black. I can recite it all the way through. 'What does god require in the sixth commandment?' ... 'That neither in thoughts, nor words, nor gestures, much less in deeds, I dishonour, hate, wound, or kill my neighbour, by myself or by another: but that I lay aside all desire of revenge: also, that I hurt not myself, nor wilfully expose myself to any danger.' I never have answered well enough to wear white. So I wore red, until all that fit me was black.
Jay didn't go to the same school as me. I don't know why. At break time I'd always be alone. The boys would play football and the girls would play at girly stuff. I liked it when they played jump elastic, because it made them red cheeked. I liked it for other reasons too, but I can't remember. They'd always take the piss out of me, so I never asked to join in. The boys would also take the piss out of me, because I was crap at footie. I would have liked to play but they didn't want me to. Sometimes ... rarely, I'd get to play, when someone was ill and they needed to make the numbers up. It didn't happen often. Some days, maybe when I was off ill, there'd be other kids off ill too and I'd have been able to play football. That's why I'd never pretend, cos I didn't want to risk missing a game because of a stupid illness. Whenever I was ill Mama would look at me with those big eyes, scary eyes and I didn't like that.
Jay never missed school, because his mama didn't like him to. He'd go to school even if he was really ill. I didn't like it when he was poorly, because his Mama didn't let him come down and play. So I'd play alone.
Sometimes we'd go play at his house, because it had loads of cool toys, a load of cars and a racing circuit that worked all by itself and a Mecano set with a whole load of pieces. But ... what I liked best, was the game he had invented. When his Mama left the room to get dinner ready, we'd turn out the light and hide ourselves behind the door, in case his Mama came in without warning. Then he'd take my twinkle in his hand and squeeze it hard, so that it made my cheeks hot. Sometimes, I'd do it to him, but he didn't like it, he said it wasn't right. Sometimes his Mama would come in and see why we were being so quiet, so we'd start playing other games.

Then one day we were on my balcony trying to piss on the head of this old lady, when he asked to squeeze my twinkle. I said no, I said it was filthy and that I was gonna tell my Mama. He got angry. I got scared, and started to cry. We fought and I pulled him around by his jumper, but he was stronger than me, and he pushed me to the balcony floor. He was big, Jay, that's why he was stronger than me. I started to act like the bad guy in our favourite cartoon. I waited for the good guy to battle the monster before sticking a knife in his back. I pushed him. He cried out, until he went 'thud', on the car park below. I cried even more. Then his Mama arrived, and she cried and screamed lots too.

This man used to come and see me a lot. He doesn't come anymore now. I still think about Jay a lot, and I still cry cos I'm still scared. Then my head goes all funny, like what used to happen to my cheeks, all hot and red. Afterwards I have to put clean panties on and my mother tells me I'm impossible and sometimes she cries too, black tears against red cheeks.